Nursing a Broken Heart

16 Oct

My husband of 9.5 years asked for a divorce 8 days ago. This has been the most painful week I’ve ever experienced. I am broken, angry, hopeless, scared, restless … but above all, my heart hurts and I can’t shake the sinking/panicked feeling in the pit of my tummy.

One of the dozens of websites I’ve looked at in my desperate search for answers and for healing, I found some advice to write down 3 good things that happened each day and how I played a part in them. So, I’m going to try that.

1. My dog got a walk. He’s been pretty restless, too, so it was nice to get him outside for some air. My part: dragging myself out of bed, taking a shower, and taking him out for a little while.

2. Troubleshot an issue with my computer. I changed usernames/passwords or something on my computer and then was unable to log back in. I panicked and called a friend and then texted my soon-to-be-ex-husband. I managed to calm down and google the problem on my phone. Basically, I just needed to reboot. And that fixed it. My part: Calming down and googling. For years, I managed to troubleshoot my issues all on my own, so I need to get back to that place.

3. My friends and family continue to be supportive. My lovely mom and my lovely aunt have taken time out of their lives to come and stay with me this week. My friends have truly rallied around me, texting me, hugging me, sending me sweet words of encouragement, letting me stay at their houses, offering me their guest rooms, offering me help moving, offering to bring me a meal, just listening to my analysis of the breakdown of the marriage for the 1000th time at all hours of the day or night. The amount of love I’ve gotten is overwhelming and moving. My part: I’m not really sure. I am lucky to have friends and family like the ones that I have. Maybe they are here for me because I am a good person.

I’m going to write my goals for the next day, too. But it’s going to be OK if I don’t get to them all. I don’t need to beat myself up more than I’ve been beating myself up over the past days. The goals are just here to give me something to work on.

1. Run 1 mile.

2. Do something fun in the evening with my mom and aunt. Maybe watch a movie or go to a bookstore.

3. Finish fixing a bug at work.

I pray that each day gets easier as time goes on. Right now, that’s about all I can muster.

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