Wandering the Bookstore

17 Oct

Last Tuesday night was the day I knew it was definitely over. I had spent nearly 2 days trying to convince him to give us another chance. Tuesday morning he said that I was right – we had lots of history, we could make it work. Then Tuesday night came his just kidding, it’s not going to work out and by the way, I need to tell you something unbelievably important.

Tonight my mom, aunt, and I went to the bookstore as part of my goal #3 for the day. The bookstore was one we’d been to countless times before. It felt so empty being there, knowing I wouldn’t come home to show him my books. To make things worse, I looked for books that he had purchased for me on his account for the Kindle for our last trip. I wanted to finish reading the books, and I knew I wouldn’t get to do that on the Kindle. I didn’t find any of them, and all I kept thinking was, seriously, universe? I can’t even get some freaking books?  But I did find Tina Fey’s Bossypants in paperback. So, I felt a little bit less crappy.

I managed to accomplish my goals I set for today. It felt good to run my mile. I had signed us up for a 5K for the end of October. I’m trying to decide whether to go ahead and run it by myself.

Today’s 3 good things

1. My therapist can see me tomorrow. I’ve been working with her in a career counselor capacity for a few months and had an appointment to see her later in October. My part: When this whole thing happened, I decided to reach out and get help. I emailed my therapist to see if I could come in sooner instead of waiting until later. I am so thankful she can see me tomorrow. I feel like Bob Wiley in What About Bob? Baby steps to 4 o’clock, baby steps to 4 o’clock.

2. I did not contact him. This is only the second day that I haven’t contacted him. It is so difficult to completely cut someone out of your life after he’s been in it every single day since 2001. My part: Being strong.

3. I attended a meeting at work and contributed. Work has obviously been extremely difficult. Last week there was an internal conference that I tried to attend. The topics were super interesting, but I could not concentrate. I could barely breathe in the sessions. So this is kind of a step. My part: Forcing myself to focus on the meeting.

4. Bonus good thing: My sister-in-law contacted me. She’s also going through a divorce. I’ve been wanting to commiserate with her, but I knew I needed to let him tell his family on his own time.

Tomorrow’s goals:

1. Buy boxes for pictures. Since my mom is here, I’m going to ask her to put away all of our photos and mementos in a box. I don’t need to see that stuff.

2. Start research for a giant project at work. I have written an outline for an upcoming project. Now it’s time to do it.

3. Begin answering questions for the enormous stack of legal papers. It has to be done.

Was today better than yesterday? I can’t really say yes. I felt some true rage today. That was a nice change from utter depression.


One Response to “Wandering the Bookstore”


  1. Roller Coaster « Reformed Slacker - November 1, 2012

    […] Talk about a wild ride. I mentioned in an earlier post that he had given me the impression that we could make it work way at the beginning and then called […]

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