Wedding Rings and Honeymoons

18 Oct

Each morning is a punch to the gut. When I wake up, I remember what’s happening all over again. It takes some time to get past that and tell myself to get up, that today will be another day under my belt and that when enough days pass, I won’t wake up to the sinking realization that my marriage is over.

I had emailed back and forth with his sister, who is going through her own divorce. Her anger and hurt for me when I asked her if he had told her what he had done made me feel devastated. I can’t explain why. Maybe it was the pain in her words. As I was adjusting to that hurt, I walked over to put some chapstick on his nightstand and I saw it – his wedding ring. He had left it  on his nightstand. I choked a little bit and then then I lost it. I texted a friend who called me right away and let me cry for 20 minutes. She made me put his ring somewhere I couldn’t see it.

Numbness was taking over when I remembered that I needed to bring a notebook for my therapist appointment. I grabbed a notebook from my closet, one that looked empty until I flipped to the first couple of pages. It was my trip overview of our honeymoon. I couldn’t rip the pages out fast enough. I almost tore the entire notebook. I wanted to stay home from work, but staying home from work was only going to make me sit in that house with his presence all around me.

I’m not quite sure how I made it through the work day until my therapy appointment. It felt so good to sit in there with a familiar, professional face. I told her the entire story and sobbed. I felt much calmer after the session, and I get to see her again in a week.

Today’s 3 good things:

1. My therapist said I was miles ahead of where people usually are. I had brought in a list of things that have been on my mind to our session, and she said I should continue to make lists. I mentioned this blog, and she was very impressed and that’s when she said I was miles ahead. My part: Forcing myself to write about this crap every night, even when I don’t want to. Throughout the day, I keep my eye out for “good things” so I can add them here. It forces me to find the good in the muddled day.

2. My mom made one of my favorite dishes! It’s only been the past 2 days that I’ve regained an appetite and felt actual hunger. My part: Being lucky and having an awesome mom.

3. I threw out mementos. Yes, I lost it when I opened the box and saw all of the ticket stubs, playbills, restaurant coasters, tourist brochures, postcards, and all of the stuff in that box that represented our 12-year relationship. We had some good times. How can he throw away all of those good times? He must really, really hate me to give up everything we’ve built. My mom held me while I cried, which was so comforting. My part: After my good cry, I bucked up, separated the mementos I wanted to keep and walked the rest of them to the outside trash can. You know it’s serious when stuff goes directly in the outside trash can.

Goals for tomorrow:

1. Write notes to myself to put around the house. I started reading a book, How to Survive the Loss of a Love, and it tells me to keep repeating to myself “I am alive. I will survive.” Yeah, it’s cheesy as hell and that disco song plays in my head when I repeat it, but I think there’s gotta be something to seeing, hearing, and repeating positive stuff like that. Another one I plan to use is “You can do anything.”

2. Seriously start continue the paperwork. I made a step today by making a copy of the legal paperwork so that I have a backup in case I mess up. Scratch that. I’m going to at least write the address of the house on it right this second. OK, so tomorrow I will continue working on that.

3. Pick up the crap that is strewn about the house. My mom and aunt cleaned the house so it’s sparkling. I need to pick up all the junk that’s just laying around.

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