Moments of Peace

19 Oct

Today was the first day since the ordeal that the alarm woke me up. I was still sleepy, so I let myself sleep in. Sleep has been in short supply lately, so I was grateful. During work, I felt long stretches of peace. I’m not delusional enough to think that everyday from here on out is going to feel better and better than today. I know that I’ll take steps forward and steps back. Yesterday I told my therapist that I desperately want to see him soon because I don’t want to wait several weeks and then have to start back at square one once I do see him. She told me that I’ve already started healing and that I won’t be back at square one. I certainly hope so, because I am going to see him tomorrow. It will be brief, it will be at my office, and I have the option of bringing a friend along if I can’t see him alone. I don’t know what I’m expecting. In the escapist romantic comedy in my head, he rushes to me and apologizes and tells me that he regrets everything he’s done and that he wants us to work hard at giving it another go. The reality is that I can already see his face completely void of any emotion, his voice cold as he takes the bag I’m going to hand to him. On the night he asked for the divorce, he told me he wanted me to still be a part of his life, a part of his niece’s and nephew’s lives. But that was before he told me the complete truth for why he wanted the divorce. He was still lying to me at that point. I have to stop putting ideas in my head that there is going to be anything except the man who has been looking me straight in the eye and lying to me for the past 6 months.

Today’s 3 good things:

1. No crying. I went the entire day without breaking down. Yeah, my voice wavered when I talked about him, but I didn’t break down. My part: I’m not sure. Maybe today is just an oddball day.

2. One Direction. Seriously, have you heard that song, What Makes You Beautiful? I’ve heard of this One Direction business before, but I hadn’t paid attention to them (obviously, I’m not their target demographic). But that song is peppy and catchy, and it puts me in a good mood. I bought it and listened to it over and over today. Am I ashamed to use this cheestastic song to keep me upbeat? Not at all. My part: I don’t know. Not taking myself so seriously that I have to listen to grown-up music all the time?

3. Played games with my mom and aunt. I don’t feel like I’ve been interacting with my mom and aunt while they’ve been here, so tonight we played some card games. It was fun! My part: I let myself have fun!

Tomorrow’s goals:

1. Be strong when I see him. Just say hello, ask how he’s doing, and hand him the bag.

2. Get to work early. Have a super productive workday.

I think I’m going to leave it at 2 goals for tomorrow. Seeing him is huge.

I’m finally catching up on TV from last week. Modern Family was one of our shows. The show was hilarious, but it was bittersweet to watch without him. On the second episode, the Dunphys mentioned a couple who didn’t have children and were always traveling. That used to be us. The childless couple who traveled and had no worries. Not so much it turns out.

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