Utter Fail

23 Oct

Friday was a tremendous fail. My vision of handing the bag over and walking away did not happen. I’ve relived the meeting over and over and talked it out with friends, so I’m not going to go into it here. Suffice to say that it was painful to see him.

On Sunday it hit me: We are really getting a divorce. He really isn’t coming back. This is really over. I was in the middle of watching Pitch Perfect, and I wanted to run out of the theater. I calmed down, but the emptiness and sadness were overwhelming. I’m losing my husband, my home.

Today I went to a divorce support group. The people there are in different stages of the divorce process and different places in their healing; they have different problems that come with divorce and different reasons for ending their marriages. My heart hurt listening to the stories, but at the same time it was comforting to be around people who are facing or have faced the same pain I’m facing. I felt hopeful, seeing people who are further along and who tell me that they were in the same place I am and how much better they’re doing now. I was also reminded how lucky I am that I’m not fighting for custody of children.

Today’s 3 good things:

1. My mom. Seriously. My mom was here for me this entire week, cleaning my house, holding me, cooking for me. Just her presence is comforting. I know she’s hurting, too. She opened her home and her heart to my husband. She’s losing a son, as well. She was so strong for me. Having her here was invaluable.

2. My aunt. Again, my aunt left her grandchildren and her kids to come and stay with me. She listened and opened her heart to me. She wrote me a beautiful letter where she reminded me of everything I have. She’s right. I’m very lucky, even though I’m going through a divorce.

3. My dog. I left him alone for more than 10 hours, and he didn’t have an accident. I felt like a terrible momma, but he was a champ. We’re going to make it, my dog and me. We really are.

Bonus good thing: My coworker. He wrote me a very nice email letting me know he was thinking of me. I can’t stop thinking of how lucky I am to have people in my corner, rooting for me to heal and come out of this stronger.

Tomorrow’s goals:

1. Start reorganizing my craft room. Yes. I’m a huge papercrafting dork. I love it. I don’t anticipate doing much scrapbooking in the next few months. After all, he and I and our travels were the main subjects of my scrapbooking. So I want to get my room in order so that I can concentrate on making cards and making other pretties. I’m not going to lose my hobby in this ordeal.

I’m going to keep it at that one. I’ve been feeling a bit like a failure for not meeting all of my goals lately. Baby steps, right?

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