Archive | November, 2012

Anger and Guilt

13 Nov

This morning I woke up angry.  It was a nice change from weepy. Against my better judgment, I texted him. He replied in his usual robotic, unapologetic tone.

I was still angry and told my friend about this morning, and she said some beautiful words to me: he doesn’t deserve your love, he doesn’t deserve your money, he doesn’t deserve your body, and he doesn’t deserve your brain. I must repeat this over and over.

Sometimes I feel like a giant whiney baby. I’m not out on the street. I’m not destitute. I have my wonderful family and friends. I have a job. I have a roof over my head. I know where my next meal is coming from. I have secured an attorney. I have a therapist. I have lots to be thankful for. I feel guilty for wallowing. This guilt is getting in the way of my healing, I think. I need to stop feeling guilty when I am crying. But I need to not let the sadness overpower all of the things I have going for me.

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Missing Him

11 Nov

Last Friday was the best day I’ve had since that weekend in October. I felt downright giddy, and I have no idea why. I felt so hopeful, so ready for the future. Work was really productive, which made the day even that much better.

Over the weekend, I met 2 of my best friends and my sister and my brother-in-law for my sister and BIL’s half marathon. Saturday was great, but today was unbelievably depressing. Today I missed him more than I realized I had the capacity to miss anyone. I don’t know if it’s just more of the regular roller coaster of divorce. Or maybe it’s because I have a slight cold and my body is focused on physically healing that. Whatever it was, it was nearly unbearable. As soon as I said good-bye to my friends, the tears came and didn’t stop. I had to pull my car over and sob. I swear that if he had shown up at that moment and wanted to get back together, I would have said yes in a heartbeat, no questions asked.

Part of me wants him to hurt as badly as I do, to miss me as much as I miss him, to be as lonely as I feel. It doesn’t seem fair that I’m the only one who is in so much pain. Unfortunately, I am terrified of karma, which currently seems to be kicking me in the ass for some terrible, terrible deed I must have done sometime in a past life.

I’m so ready for the unfathomable sadness to disappear. I’m tired of the despair. I’m tired of missing him. I’m tired of still loving him.

Today I continue to be grateful for my friends and family. I could not make it without them. My sister rocked her half marathon and then had to drive 4 hours back to her house. I know she was exhausted, yet she texted with me for a few hours until I started feeling better.

I can really only muster 1 goal for tomorrow: be productive at work.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

5 Nov

My optimism and closure from the conversation on Wednesday night was short-lived. When I woke up on Thursday morning, I found myself unable to get out of bed. It was a PJs and crying in bed day. I haven’t had many of those, so I let my supervisor know that I wouldn’t be coming in. I am so fortunate to have a fantastic job and a supervisor who is being so understanding during this ridiculously difficult time.

I think what gets me the most is that if we had been able to have a conversation without him calling to tell me that he’d changed his mind and we had come up with the decision that we could not get past it, at least I would have been a participant in the decision. Currently, this life-changing decision has been made for me by my husband. I’ve had zero control over anything. It’s been completely out of my hands.

The weekend was much better than Thursday. On Friday, my girlfriends came over and just hung out and made me laugh a lot. Saturday, my dog and I headed out of town to see my friends and meet my sister and my brother-in-law. We had a great time, but there was something missing – my husband. The 6 of us always got along so well and meshed beautifully. It’s such a freaking waste. He actually told me at one point that he stayed with me partly because he loved our friends and my family.

Sunday evening I went to my friends’ house to watch one of my favorite shows again. They made delicious dessert. This evening, one of my dearest friends JC from when I first moved here after college brought dinner for me and my sister-in-law. My poor sister-in-law is also grieving, so it is so good to grieve together.

I continue to be extremely grateful for my friends and all of their support. I don’t know what I’d do without them.

Today’s 3 good things:

1. Keeping it together when my dog barfed. My dog threw up last night and again at 4:30 this AM. Little things have added to my stress, so a week or so ago, I might have burst into tears at something like this. But it was no big deal. I just cleaned it up. My part: Learning to breathe and to take a step back. Cleaning up dog puke is gross, but it is not the end of the world.

2. Babies. My friend who fed us dinner brought her baby to my house. He was so sweet and happy. JC said that he doesn’t normally just go to anyone, so it was nice to interact with the baby like that. My part: Hm, not really sure. Maybe I’m a baby magnet?

3. My dog feels better. I wasn’t around the usual grocery store, so I didn’t find his usual dog food. I got a different food when we were out of town, and I think it ended up messing with his poor tummy. The internet told me to fast him for 24 hours. He seemed tons better when I got home from work and has been having a good evening. My part: Again, keeping it together. It seems weird that I feel like these tiny little things are victories, but at this point, I will take it.

Tomorrow’s goal:

1. Possibly socialize. One of my coworkers invited me to an election night watching party. So if I end up going, I will try to be social and fun. No pressure, says the introvert.

Roller Coaster

1 Nov

Wow. Talk about a wild ride. I mentioned in an earlier post that he had given me the impression that we could make it work way at the beginning and then called later that night with his bombshell. Today I was at work when I got an email from him at 4:30. The title of his email was Regret. He wrote about how he was sorry he had hurt me, how much he regretted what he had done, how much he missed our life together. My first reaction was holy eff, we can get back together??? I ran outside and called him.

I told him I didn’t understand why he had been unfaithful to me, how he could lie to me for months, why he never told me he was unhappy in our marriage if he’d been unhappy for two years. He apologized for being weak and who knows what else. I asked if he wanted to get together and talk this evening. We agreed to meet at a park at 7:30.

I couldn’t concentrate on work, so I left and voted early. Then I sat in the dark at home eating a sandwich and listening to a dumb Evanescence song and crying. Could we really get back together? Could I really bring him around my family after they all knew he had cheated on me? Could I really forgive him and move past it? He works with this woman. Could I trust him being around her every single day? And what about this new beginning that all my friends have been promising that I will have when all this pain is over?

Yesterday my amazing friend CV texted me this: Good things will come after the piles of poo. You will be so empowered over time. Be where you are right now. The great stuff will be there waiting for you at the end. And that finish line will be a new beginning.

I kept reading and re-reading that while I waited for 7:30. What would we say to each other?

At 7, he called. As soon as I heard his voice, I said, let me guess, you’ve changed your mind. Again. And he had. He said he had sent that email out of selfishness. He was being selfish about wanting his old life back, our old life back. He’s in love with her, he kept telling me. Where was he calling me from? You guessed it – from outside her house. I got angry. I yelled at him on the phone for the first time since this whole thing happened. He had gone to her house because *she* deserved an explanation of the email he sent me, he said. What about my explanation? I’ve been with him since 2001. Why hadn’t I heard an apology in person?

He agreed to come over. There were tears on my end, a little more yelling. I learned that he had fallen in love with her and that he loved her now. That she loved him, too. That they said, “I love you” to each other while he and I were still married. That they would sometimes cut out of work on Friday afternoons to spend them together before he came home to me. That he’s already introduced her to his dad. That she is kind and does nice things for him. That she doesn’t get upset when he gets lost while he’s driving.

But I felt a bit of closure. He seemed sorry. He seemed regretful that he hadn’t handled the ending of our marriage as he should have. That he had slept with this woman while he was married to me. He didn’t seem sorry about falling in love with her.

We talked divorce logistics a little bit. He’ll be signing his paperwork soon so we can start working on the final divorce decree. We even joked a little bit.

So there it is. Another step back? No, I’m not going to call this a step back. But we’ll see how I feel tomorrow.