Roller Coaster

1 Nov

Wow. Talk about a wild ride. I mentioned in an earlier post that he had given me the impression that we could make it work way at the beginning and then called later that night with his bombshell. Today I was at work when I got an email from him at 4:30. The title of his email was Regret. He wrote about how he was sorry he had hurt me, how much he regretted what he had done, how much he missed our life together. My first reaction was holy eff, we can get back together??? I ran outside and called him.

I told him I didn’t understand why he had been unfaithful to me, how he could lie to me for months, why he never told me he was unhappy in our marriage if he’d been unhappy for two years. He apologized for being weak and who knows what else. I asked if he wanted to get together and talk this evening. We agreed to meet at a park at 7:30.

I couldn’t concentrate on work, so I left and voted early. Then I sat in the dark at home eating a sandwich and listening to a dumb Evanescence song and crying. Could we really get back together? Could I really bring him around my family after they all knew he had cheated on me? Could I really forgive him and move past it? He works with this woman. Could I trust him being around her every single day? And what about this new beginning that all my friends have been promising that I will have when all this pain is over?

Yesterday my amazing friend CV texted me this: Good things will come after the piles of poo. You will be so empowered over time. Be where you are right now. The great stuff will be there waiting for you at the end. And that finish line will be a new beginning.

I kept reading and re-reading that while I waited for 7:30. What would we say to each other?

At 7, he called. As soon as I heard his voice, I said, let me guess, you’ve changed your mind. Again. And he had. He said he had sent that email out of selfishness. He was being selfish about wanting his old life back, our old life back. He’s in love with her, he kept telling me. Where was he calling me from? You guessed it – from outside her house. I got angry. I yelled at him on the phone for the first time since this whole thing happened. He had gone to her house because *she* deserved an explanation of the email he sent me, he said. What about my explanation? I’ve been with him since 2001. Why hadn’t I heard an apology in person?

He agreed to come over. There were tears on my end, a little more yelling. I learned that he had fallen in love with her and that he loved her now. That she loved him, too. That they said, “I love you” to each other while he and I were still married. That they would sometimes cut out of work on Friday afternoons to spend them together before he came home to me. That he’s already introduced her to his dad. That she is kind and does nice things for him. That she doesn’t get upset when he gets lost while he’s driving.

But I felt a bit of closure. He seemed sorry. He seemed regretful that he hadn’t handled the ending of our marriage as he should have. That he had slept with this woman while he was married to me. He didn’t seem sorry about falling in love with her.

We talked divorce logistics a little bit. He’ll be signing his paperwork soon so we can start working on the final divorce decree. We even joked a little bit.

So there it is. Another step back? No, I’m not going to call this a step back. But we’ll see how I feel tomorrow.

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