Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

5 Nov

My optimism and closure from the conversation on Wednesday night was short-lived. When I woke up on Thursday morning, I found myself unable to get out of bed. It was a PJs and crying in bed day. I haven’t had many of those, so I let my supervisor know that I wouldn’t be coming in. I am so fortunate to have a fantastic job and a supervisor who is being so understanding during this ridiculously difficult time.

I think what gets me the most is that if we had been able to have a conversation without him calling to tell me that he’d changed his mind and we had come up with the decision that we could not get past it, at least I would have been a participant in the decision. Currently, this life-changing decision has been made for me by my husband. I’ve had zero control over anything. It’s been completely out of my hands.

The weekend was much better than Thursday. On Friday, my girlfriends came over and just hung out and made me laugh a lot. Saturday, my dog and I headed out of town to see my friends and meet my sister and my brother-in-law. We had a great time, but there was something missing – my husband. The 6 of us always got along so well and meshed beautifully. It’s such a freaking waste. He actually told me at one point that he stayed with me partly because he loved our friends and my family.

Sunday evening I went to my friends’ house to watch one of my favorite shows again. They made delicious dessert. This evening, one of my dearest friends JC from when I first moved here after college brought dinner for me and my sister-in-law. My poor sister-in-law is also grieving, so it is so good to grieve together.

I continue to be extremely grateful for my friends and all of their support. I don’t know what I’d do without them.

Today’s 3 good things:

1. Keeping it together when my dog barfed. My dog threw up last night and again at 4:30 this AM. Little things have added to my stress, so a week or so ago, I might have burst into tears at something like this. But it was no big deal. I just cleaned it up. My part: Learning to breathe and to take a step back. Cleaning up dog puke is gross, but it is not the end of the world.

2. Babies. My friend who fed us dinner brought her baby to my house. He was so sweet and happy. JC said that he doesn’t normally just go to anyone, so it was nice to interact with the baby like that. My part: Hm, not really sure. Maybe I’m a baby magnet?

3. My dog feels better. I wasn’t around the usual grocery store, so I didn’t find his usual dog food. I got a different food when we were out of town, and I think it ended up messing with his poor tummy. The internet told me to fast him for 24 hours. He seemed tons better when I got home from work and has been having a good evening. My part: Again, keeping it together. It seems weird that I feel like these tiny little things are victories, but at this point, I will take it.

Tomorrow’s goal:

1. Possibly socialize. One of my coworkers invited me to an election night watching party. So if I end up going, I will try to be social and fun. No pressure, says the introvert.

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