Missing Him

11 Nov

Last Friday was the best day I’ve had since that weekend in October. I felt downright giddy, and I have no idea why. I felt so hopeful, so ready for the future. Work was really productive, which made the day even that much better.

Over the weekend, I met 2 of my best friends and my sister and my brother-in-law for my sister and BIL’s half marathon. Saturday was great, but today was unbelievably depressing. Today I missed him more than I realized I had the capacity to miss anyone. I don’t know if it’s just more of the regular roller coaster of divorce. Or maybe it’s because I have a slight cold and my body is focused on physically healing that. Whatever it was, it was nearly unbearable. As soon as I said good-bye to my friends, the tears came and didn’t stop. I had to pull my car over and sob. I swear that if he had shown up at that moment and wanted to get back together, I would have said yes in a heartbeat, no questions asked.

Part of me wants him to hurt as badly as I do, to miss me as much as I miss him, to be as lonely as I feel. It doesn’t seem fair that I’m the only one who is in so much pain. Unfortunately, I am terrified of karma, which currently seems to be kicking me in the ass for some terrible, terrible deed I must have done sometime in a past life.

I’m so ready for the unfathomable sadness to disappear. I’m tired of the despair. I’m tired of missing him. I’m tired of still loving him.

Today I continue to be grateful for my friends and family. I could not make it without them. My sister rocked her half marathon and then had to drive 4 hours back to her house. I know she was exhausted, yet she texted with me for a few hours until I started feeling better.

I can really only muster 1 goal for tomorrow: be productive at work.

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