Archive | June, 2013

Have to Keep Repeating This

25 Jun

Normal people don’t go around destroying other human beings.

imageFrom http://godisheart.blogspot.com/2013/04/if-someone-treats-you-like-shit-just.html

Just an hour ago I wanted to email him a very mean email about how much of a coward and hypocrite he is. It took every fiber of strength to breathe deeply and calm down. I had some tears, but instead of emailing him, I put up this blog post. I’m proud of myself for resisting the urge to send him an email. Good job, me. Good job.

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This Is What Recovery Looks Like

24 Jun

I saw my therapist today for the first time in probably six or seven weeks. It was the best thing I’ve done for myself in awhile. I had not gone because I was busy with work and because I was ashamed of having moved backwards. I felt like I was failing at recovery.

My therapist assured me that I’m not crazy. This is all perfectly normal. The relief I felt was so great. Grief is fluid, she said, and she is right.

When something like divorce or death or any loss happens, we want each day to be better. Unfortunately, that’s not the case all the time. Instead, this is what recovery really looks like:

chart

I think for me, I’m at that steep, long dip right now. I made the wrong choices at the beginning of this year. Instead of focusing on healing, I started dating. It was good for awhile, distracting me from my ex-husband. But now that both of those relationships have ended, I’m having to deal with three losses, even though two of them were most likely insignificant in the long run.

Another thing I started is a divorce recovery class. Each week, part of our homework is to call three of our fellow classmates. It’s kind of awkward, but so far I’ve had really great conversations with these folks.

We are using the book Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, which tells me that there are 19 building blocks to healing. I am eight months in, and I have a long way to go. I’m looking forward to moving forward with my fellow classmates. After my therapy session and my phone calls, I am starting to feel an infinitesimal bit of hope again. I’ll get through this.

The Heartbreak Never Ends

23 Jun

I have been unable to stop calling my ex-husband. More often than not, I dial the number and then just stare at it before clearing the numbers. Sometimes I hit Call. I did that today after a particularly unpleasant phone call. I was told that the AT&T customer was unavailable at this time. Google tells me that he’s blocked me. I’m unbelievably embarrassed. I’ve become that insane ex-spouse who has gotten blocked.

At this point, I just want him to hurt as badly as I hurt. I want him to feel the pain I have felt not just from his leaving in such a callous manner, but the pain I’ve felt from being a complete moron and throwing myself into two different relationships that didn’t work out. I want him to feel what it’s like to have 3 heartbreaks in less than 9 months.

It’s been a shitty 6 weeks. First the second relationship I started that had such promise came to a screeching halt. I’m ashamed to admit that it put me right back to the place where I was after my marriage ended. Crying all the time, the works. Last week my dad ended up in the hospital and had to have emergency gallbladder surgery. I went home to stay the weekend, and when I got home, I got a text that my mom was in the ER. The texts came while I was having a shouting match with the first guy I dated after my ex.

I want to buck up. I want to embrace my singleness. This state is exhausting.

Ahhh

13 Jun

There is something empowering about running during the summer. I signed up for a running class a few months ago and ended up skipping a ton of sessions because 1. I’m lazy, 2. I’ve had some mad depressing times lately, and 3. Work has been somewhat crazy. Deadlines at work are winding down, and I’m trying my hardest to keep my chin up, so I went to class today.

As I was running – very slowly, mind you – under the unforgiving Texas sun in the early evening, I felt a relief and a joy I haven’t felt in a long time. Here I was, under the scorching sun, conquering the heat. The sun. We live and die by that thing. The sun has the capacity to extinguish our world in a fraction of a second. My ex-husband is nothing compared to that. If I can move through the sometimes suffocating heat and feel good, getting through this divorce is absolutely something I can do. And have been doing.

So if you are having a bad day, go outside and let the sun beat down on you. Run if you can (hydrate, of course!!!). You may want to throw up, but the feeling of getting through the run or walk will make you feel like you can conquer anything.

Forgiveness

3 Jun

Today I met a woman who shared part of her divorce story with me and then prayed with me. One thing that struck me was that she said I need to learn to forgive myself. Forgive myself for my part in the failure of my marriage. I’ve been alternating between feeling like a victim and feeling guilty for causing him to cheat. One of the first things I read after he left was that a person needs opportunity to cheat, which was probably the crappiest thing I could have had to read at that point.  I know I was no peach. I’m not an easy person to live with. There are tons of things I could have done differently. But I have to let that go and forgive myself.

She also said that it sounds like everything I’ve done thus far has sort of been to try to win him back. It’s nearly 8 months in, and I am just now starting to get angry. I have to let him go. I have no control over his actions. I have control only over my actions. 

So starting today I am going to start to forgive myself. I am not quite sure how I’ll do it, but I’ll remind myself that I need to do so.