Crazy, Made-Up Stuff in Your Head

2 Jul

When I first started running, one of my friends mentioned that I should try a running class. I told her that she was insane, that there was no way I could keep up with real runners. In response, she said (and I’m paraphrasing because this was several years ago): If you would go to a class, you would see that there are people of every level and you wouldn’t be comparing yourself to the freaking crazy, made-up shit in your head.

Though I didn’t take a class at that point in time, I kept thinking back to what she said about all of the things I concoct for myself in my brain. It’s hard to stay out of one’s own head. It’s been doubly hard since the divorce. I need to let go of the things I’m worried about that most likely will not be an issue. When this first happened, I was deathly terrified of being a pauper. Reason would have told me that it was going to be extremely difficult for me to be homeless and penniless, but reason wasn’t prevailing at that point. He had handled all of the finances, and I was so afraid that I would not be able to. Fast forward 8 months: money and bills have been a non-issue. Paying bills is easy. I’m still saving the same amount that I used to save. I even refinanced my house by myself.

My biggest fear is never finding anyone. Or that I end up with some giant loser because all of the men who have a stable income and good job and all of their teeth are taken. I have no idea how to let that fear go. When I was married, I would think, if only I could go back to my teenage self and tell her how happy she was going to be and how amazing her husband would be. I want to believe that in a few years I can look back and say, that was difficult, but look at who you are now and look at this amazing partner and family you have. It all led to this. (I’m also deathly afraid of losing my income, so I’m not completely shallow.)

I’m trying to think about it with my friend’s words in mind.

Here’s some more inspiration I’m using to try to not focus on the worst:

  • “I’ve got 99 problems and 86 of them are completely made up scenarios in my head that I’m stressing about for absolutely no logical reason.” (https://twitter.com/ZachGalifinak/status/340545817612021760)
  • “To see things in their true proportion, to escape the magnifying influence of a morbid imagination, should be one of the chief aims of life.”- The Map of Life, William Edward Hartpole Lecky
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