Taking a Chill Pill

30 Jul

Talking to the people in my divorce group has been eye-opening. The stuff we struggle with and things that have changed within us is so similar. I like knowing that I’m not abnormal.

Tonight I was talking to one of my classmates about things that have changed since our divorces. I’m finding that there are things I do like more about myself and my life. One of the biggest things is not freaking out about every little thing. I’m so much more relaxed now. It used to be that I would obsess over everything.

– For example, for every 5K I ran, I would memorize the logistics info, where did I have to be, where did I need to park, what time did I need to be there, what was the course like. Now, I look up directions to the course on my way out the door.

– Travel. Oh man. This was a big one. I had spreadsheets and documents and bookmarks and books detailing my research. I knew my flight number and what time each leg of my flight departed and arrived and in what city my layovers were. I would look at maps of the layover airport, figure out any transportation needed to get between gates. Now, I am lucky if I remember the date I’m flying.

– Driving. I had major road rage. And major anxiety about being late to wherever I was going. I would spend my entire drive looking at the clock and telling myself, if I can get to x road by x time, I should be there in time. The entire drive I would do this. Do you have any idea how nerve-wracking that is??? Because I was such a basketcase about being late, I berated every driver on the road. It is so different now. In fact, a coworker was asking me what names I call people when I’m driving. I had to stop and think about it. I don’t get angry, I said to him. I don’t call people anything. But letting go of the driving anxiety is so freeing. So wonderfully freeing. When I do get into the car late, I do think, dang, I’m going to be late. There’s no obsessing, though. I think about something else and by the time I arrive, I realize I have minutes to spare.

Is it because the worst has happened and we know that we are getting through it? Or was there really something in our marriages that was causing this uptightness? For me I think it’s a combination of those two things along with the help I’m getting now.

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