Archive | September, 2013

I Think I Figured It Out

23 Sep

Being single doesn’t suck. What sucks is dating men who can’t/don’t use their words to say thanks but no thanks. Limbo sucks. So people: seriously. If you don’t want to see someone anymore, be sure to tell him/her in a nice way. Don’t just stop communication. That’s just mean.

Lucky

17 Sep

I have had a hell of a week. It was another one of those terrible dips where I was inconsolable and just wanted to hide in a closet and rot away. I felt physically and emotionally the way I felt when my ex first moved out. I had forgotten that there was a certain smell I could smell all the time (I think it’s the smell of sadness), and my insides felt cold, like the insides of my bones. It scared me to feel that again. I certainly did not want to. I cried and cried and dragged myself out of the house to work, where I took a few minutes out of each day to cry some more.

My trip to Paris was awesome, but when I got home, the trip triggered memories of the two days my ex and I spent in Paris a few years ago. The one-year anniversary of this mess is coming up, and I’m terrified. Then I got a call from my insurance company telling me that my ex had contacted them about my car insurance being paid from his account. It made me so angry that he could not man up and contact me himself. I’m so ashamed to admit it, but I emailed him and called him every name in the book instead of being mature. All of this on top of being rejected once again made for a perfect pity party.

On Thursday a friend from my divorce group (which is now over after 10 weeks) dragged me out of my house and took me to dinner. He listened to me and encouraged me. Over the weekend I met with some more friends from divorce group. As much as I hate that my friends have gone through the same ordeal as I have, it’s nice to have people truly identify with where you are and what you’re feeling.

I finally started feeling a teensy bit better yesterday and feel even better today. Sometimes I get impatient with myself for allowing one person’s rejection of me overshadow the immense love that my friends and family have for me. So for today I’m going to let all of the love that my friends have shown me over the past week carry me through the day.

Discarded

12 Sep

I’m having one of those days. Just completely down, miserable, want to stay in bed all day days. However, I have a job and have the get the hell up.

I’ve been thinking a lot about whether I’ve let go of my ex-husband. I can’t quite say for sure. I know that I don’t want to be married to him anymore. But I still wonder why he chose that woman over me. I’m also having trouble understanding why I’m so easily discarded as a person. Two of the three people I’ve been involved with since the end of the marriage had no problem just walking away from me. As much as I know neither of them are my soulmate, it’s hurtful. It’s difficult to tell myself that I’m worthwhile and that I’m a great person when I don’t have that external … validation, I suppose, from potential partners. It’s difficult not to wonder what’s wrong with me and what makes it so easy for people to stop caring about me. I have flaws. I’m working on them.