One Year Later

7 Oct

Today marks the one-year anniversary of the day my ex-husband asked me for a divorce. Guess what? I haven’t cried a single tear today. In fact, it’s been a fairly regular day. My sister-in-law and I had a massage and a facial this afternoon, just to treat ourselves to something nice. I had that to look forward to throughout the day, plus work kept me busy, so there wasn’t a lot of time to dwell on the significance of today. Or the fact that it’s my ex’s birthday.

I don’t think I would have imagined how OK I would be by this point. I don’t feel broken or incomplete. I don’t feel lonely most days.  I don’t feel hollow or empty. Some days I feel downright giddy about the sheer number of choices and options I have for my life. I can say with complete honesty that I am happier without my ex-husband and without my marriage. Do I still hate my ex? Yeah, I have to admit that I do still hate him and feel a good bit of anger toward him and the woman he left me for. I’m hoping that will dissipate as the months continue to separate me from that ugly end.

Over the past year, through countless hours of therapy, divorce support groups, 12-step meetings, and even a shaman cleansing; by talking with friends and family and strangers and reading self-help books and blogs, I’ve come to understand the huge role I played in the marriage falling apart. I learned that I wasn’t happy in the marriage. Things would have fallen apart eventually. He and I were no longer meant to be married. We wanted different things, and we had stopped loving and respecting each other. It’s a very painful lesson to have gone through, but can I say I feel some gratefulness that I have another chance to be the person I want to be? As absolutely shitty as this has been, I’ve learned more about myself than I ever knew and I know the things I want to work on to be a better person and someday–god willing–a good partner.

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