45 things

1. Run the San Antonio Half Marathon in 2 hours, 45 minutes
2. Read 10 books
3. Rock the hell out of the GMAT
4. Apply to B school
5. Lose those last pesky 30 pounds
6. Go on a solo trip
7. Call my mom at least twice a week
8. Run the Cap 10K
9. Visit Enchanted Rock
10. Run one 5K a month
11. Cook dinner once a week
12. Visit C in Albuquerque
13. Start scrapbooking again
14. Learn to crochet or knit (still confused on the difference between them)
15. Get laser hair removal
16. Canoe at Lady Bird Lake
17. Visit Lost Maples State Park in the fall
18. Walk my dog at least 5 times a week
19. Try one new thing in the Austin area every month
20. Put up frames on the door near the guest room as shown in picture 16 here: http://www.younghouselove.com/2011/04/its-done-and-we-heart-it/
21. Create a gallery wall in the dining room of my favorite travel photos as shown in picture 3 here: http://www.decorchick.com/the-new-living-room-wall/
22. Redo my bedroom
23. Restain the kitchen cabinets
24. Fix up the front yard landscaping
25. Repaint the old desk
26. Organize the garage
27. Go to the movies once a month
28. Eat at one new restaurant/food trailer once a month
29. Hang out with girlfriends more
30. Accessorize more
31. Be more romantic (praying that I get this chance!!!)
32. Diversify my portfolio
33. Run at least 3 times a week
34. Get into yoga
35. Be less anxious
36. Make just because I’m thinking of you cards and send them to family and friends
37. Do NaNoWriMo
38. Get to work by 8:30 AM
39. Visit Paris and London and don’t wallow in the last Paris trip
40. Become decent at biking
41. Become decent at swimming
42. Jump into Barton Springs pool in the heat of summer
43. Learn to walk in heels
44. Go to Las Vegas
45. Bring lunch to work 3 times a week

Bad Habits

“Who is strong? He that can conquer his bad habits.”
– Benjamin Franklin
In the days following the separation, I signed up for Gretchen Rubin’s Moment of Happiness daily emails. This one spoke to me. I want so much for this divorce to be a new beginning and my chance to become the person I truly want to be.

Anger and Guilt

This morning I woke up angry.  It was a nice change from weepy. Against my better judgment, I texted him. He replied in his usual robotic, unapologetic tone.

I was still angry and told my friend about this morning, and she said some beautiful words to me: he doesn’t deserve your love, he doesn’t deserve your money, he doesn’t deserve your body, and he doesn’t deserve your brain. I must repeat this over and over.

Sometimes I feel like a giant whiney baby. I’m not out on the street. I’m not destitute. I have my wonderful family and friends. I have a job. I have a roof over my head. I know where my next meal is coming from. I have secured an attorney. I have a therapist. I have lots to be thankful for. I feel guilty for wallowing. This guilt is getting in the way of my healing, I think. I need to stop feeling guilty when I am crying. But I need to not let the sadness overpower all of the things I have going for me.

Missing Him

Last Friday was the best day I’ve had since that weekend in October. I felt downright giddy, and I have no idea why. I felt so hopeful, so ready for the future. Work was really productive, which made the day even that much better.

Over the weekend, I met 2 of my best friends and my sister and my brother-in-law for my sister and BIL’s half marathon. Saturday was great, but today was unbelievably depressing. Today I missed him more than I realized I had the capacity to miss anyone. I don’t know if it’s just more of the regular roller coaster of divorce. Or maybe it’s because I have a slight cold and my body is focused on physically healing that. Whatever it was, it was nearly unbearable. As soon as I said good-bye to my friends, the tears came and didn’t stop. I had to pull my car over and sob. I swear that if he had shown up at that moment and wanted to get back together, I would have said yes in a heartbeat, no questions asked.

Part of me wants him to hurt as badly as I do, to miss me as much as I miss him, to be as lonely as I feel. It doesn’t seem fair that I’m the only one who is in so much pain. Unfortunately, I am terrified of karma, which currently seems to be kicking me in the ass for some terrible, terrible deed I must have done sometime in a past life.

I’m so ready for the unfathomable sadness to disappear. I’m tired of the despair. I’m tired of missing him. I’m tired of still loving him.

Today I continue to be grateful for my friends and family. I could not make it without them. My sister rocked her half marathon and then had to drive 4 hours back to her house. I know she was exhausted, yet she texted with me for a few hours until I started feeling better.

I can really only muster 1 goal for tomorrow: be productive at work.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

My optimism and closure from the conversation on Wednesday night was short-lived. When I woke up on Thursday morning, I found myself unable to get out of bed. It was a PJs and crying in bed day. I haven’t had many of those, so I let my supervisor know that I wouldn’t be coming in. I am so fortunate to have a fantastic job and a supervisor who is being so understanding during this ridiculously difficult time.

I think what gets me the most is that if we had been able to have a conversation without him calling to tell me that he’d changed his mind and we had come up with the decision that we could not get past it, at least I would have been a participant in the decision. Currently, this life-changing decision has been made for me by my husband. I’ve had zero control over anything. It’s been completely out of my hands.

The weekend was much better than Thursday. On Friday, my girlfriends came over and just hung out and made me laugh a lot. Saturday, my dog and I headed out of town to see my friends and meet my sister and my brother-in-law. We had a great time, but there was something missing – my husband. The 6 of us always got along so well and meshed beautifully. It’s such a freaking waste. He actually told me at one point that he stayed with me partly because he loved our friends and my family.

Sunday evening I went to my friends’ house to watch one of my favorite shows again. They made delicious dessert. This evening, one of my dearest friends JC from when I first moved here after college brought dinner for me and my sister-in-law. My poor sister-in-law is also grieving, so it is so good to grieve together.

I continue to be extremely grateful for my friends and all of their support. I don’t know what I’d do without them.

Today’s 3 good things:

1. Keeping it together when my dog barfed. My dog threw up last night and again at 4:30 this AM. Little things have added to my stress, so a week or so ago, I might have burst into tears at something like this. But it was no big deal. I just cleaned it up. My part: Learning to breathe and to take a step back. Cleaning up dog puke is gross, but it is not the end of the world.

2. Babies. My friend who fed us dinner brought her baby to my house. He was so sweet and happy. JC said that he doesn’t normally just go to anyone, so it was nice to interact with the baby like that. My part: Hm, not really sure. Maybe I’m a baby magnet?

3. My dog feels better. I wasn’t around the usual grocery store, so I didn’t find his usual dog food. I got a different food when we were out of town, and I think it ended up messing with his poor tummy. The internet told me to fast him for 24 hours. He seemed tons better when I got home from work and has been having a good evening. My part: Again, keeping it together. It seems weird that I feel like these tiny little things are victories, but at this point, I will take it.

Tomorrow’s goal:

1. Possibly socialize. One of my coworkers invited me to an election night watching party. So if I end up going, I will try to be social and fun. No pressure, says the introvert.

Roller Coaster

Wow. Talk about a wild ride. I mentioned in an earlier post that he had given me the impression that we could make it work way at the beginning and then called later that night with his bombshell. Today I was at work when I got an email from him at 4:30. The title of his email was Regret. He wrote about how he was sorry he had hurt me, how much he regretted what he had done, how much he missed our life together. My first reaction was holy eff, we can get back together??? I ran outside and called him.

I told him I didn’t understand why he had been unfaithful to me, how he could lie to me for months, why he never told me he was unhappy in our marriage if he’d been unhappy for two years. He apologized for being weak and who knows what else. I asked if he wanted to get together and talk this evening. We agreed to meet at a park at 7:30.

I couldn’t concentrate on work, so I left and voted early. Then I sat in the dark at home eating a sandwich and listening to a dumb Evanescence song and crying. Could we really get back together? Could I really bring him around my family after they all knew he had cheated on me? Could I really forgive him and move past it? He works with this woman. Could I trust him being around her every single day? And what about this new beginning that all my friends have been promising that I will have when all this pain is over?

Yesterday my amazing friend CV texted me this: Good things will come after the piles of poo. You will be so empowered over time. Be where you are right now. The great stuff will be there waiting for you at the end. And that finish line will be a new beginning.

I kept reading and re-reading that while I waited for 7:30. What would we say to each other?

At 7, he called. As soon as I heard his voice, I said, let me guess, you’ve changed your mind. Again. And he had. He said he had sent that email out of selfishness. He was being selfish about wanting his old life back, our old life back. He’s in love with her, he kept telling me. Where was he calling me from? You guessed it – from outside her house. I got angry. I yelled at him on the phone for the first time since this whole thing happened. He had gone to her house because *she* deserved an explanation of the email he sent me, he said. What about my explanation? I’ve been with him since 2001. Why hadn’t I heard an apology in person?

He agreed to come over. There were tears on my end, a little more yelling. I learned that he had fallen in love with her and that he loved her now. That she loved him, too. That they said, “I love you” to each other while he and I were still married. That they would sometimes cut out of work on Friday afternoons to spend them together before he came home to me. That he’s already introduced her to his dad. That she is kind and does nice things for him. That she doesn’t get upset when he gets lost while he’s driving.

But I felt a bit of closure. He seemed sorry. He seemed regretful that he hadn’t handled the ending of our marriage as he should have. That he had slept with this woman while he was married to me. He didn’t seem sorry about falling in love with her.

We talked divorce logistics a little bit. He’ll be signing his paperwork soon so we can start working on the final divorce decree. We even joked a little bit.

So there it is. Another step back? No, I’m not going to call this a step back. But we’ll see how I feel tomorrow.

Beyond Blessed

Today I just want to count my blessings. Throughout this ordeal, my loved ones have shown me just how much they love me.

Last Wednesday was tough. It was overdue, though. Monday and Tuesday evenings – my first on my own – had gone entirely too well. Wednesday night all I could think of were the times I was not very nice to my husband. My sister let me cry to her on the phone. We got off the phone, and she texted me a few minutes later. She and her husband wanted to drive to see me this weekend!! My sister lives 5 hours away. I had no words to express the appreciation I felt. A 10-hour drive to see me for just a day. How lucky am I?

My car has been acting up for about a week. On Thursday evening, one of my friends/coworkers spent several hours looking into what was up. He drove it around, changed the tires around, drove around some more, put off his dinner. His lovely wife sat with me and comforted me and let me hold their beautiful baby. Later on today, I’m going to their house to watch one of my favorite shows. So lucky.

The weekend with my sister and my brother-in-law was fantastic. They helped me babysit my friend’s baby, who was simply adorable and helped keep my mind off of things.

I am so lucky. I need to keep reminding myself of all of my blessings. I told a friend of mine that I feel overwhelmed by the support. She said, maybe not overwhelmed; maybe enveloped. I like enveloped better.

Bringing Yourself to the Present

I went to another support group today. It was also helpful and left me with hope for what’s to come. I don’t know what I’d do without support. I’m sure there was a time when people had to deal with divorce without professional help and without hearing others’ stories. I don’t know how those folks made it. There are so many things I have to be grateful for.

I had a bit of a hard time today at work, and my friend gave me a helpful tip: If I find myself panicking about something about which I have no control (like his response to the divorce petition), focus on something directly in front of you and describe it. Bring yourself back to the present. I tried to focus on the building across the street from my office, but all I could think of was going in there to buy nail polish with him. I will continue to try that though.

Today’s 3 good things:

1. My friend BP. She came by to check on my pup and let him out. She also took the boxes of pictures of my husband to her house so I don’t have to have them here. My part: Cultivating this friendship. I’ve been friends with BP since the very first day we started work at our company 12 years ago. I love that girl.

2. Support groups. Wow. Strangers sharing their pain for the benefit of other strangers. It’s a beautiful thing. I shared my methods of coping, these 3 good things and my part in them. My part: Being open and realizing I need help to get through this.

3. Being productive at work! My awesome coworker AG brought an issue to my attention, and I spent some time working on figuring out the problem. I continued my momentum, and it felt great to focus 100% on work and not 80% on work, 20% on the divorce. My part: Focus? Maybe it really will get easier?

Tomorrow’s goals:

1. I’m carrying over today’s goal to tomorrow. I got home pretty late, so I didn’t get a lot of time to start the reorg.

2. Have a little perspective. Right now I feel like I’m dying and that my life is over. And yes, the most giant and important part of my life is over. But listening to other peoples’ stories makes me realize that other people have lost more than I have.

Utter Fail

Friday was a tremendous fail. My vision of handing the bag over and walking away did not happen. I’ve relived the meeting over and over and talked it out with friends, so I’m not going to go into it here. Suffice to say that it was painful to see him.

On Sunday it hit me: We are really getting a divorce. He really isn’t coming back. This is really over. I was in the middle of watching Pitch Perfect, and I wanted to run out of the theater. I calmed down, but the emptiness and sadness were overwhelming. I’m losing my husband, my home.

Today I went to a divorce support group. The people there are in different stages of the divorce process and different places in their healing; they have different problems that come with divorce and different reasons for ending their marriages. My heart hurt listening to the stories, but at the same time it was comforting to be around people who are facing or have faced the same pain I’m facing. I felt hopeful, seeing people who are further along and who tell me that they were in the same place I am and how much better they’re doing now. I was also reminded how lucky I am that I’m not fighting for custody of children.

Today’s 3 good things:

1. My mom. Seriously. My mom was here for me this entire week, cleaning my house, holding me, cooking for me. Just her presence is comforting. I know she’s hurting, too. She opened her home and her heart to my husband. She’s losing a son, as well. She was so strong for me. Having her here was invaluable.

2. My aunt. Again, my aunt left her grandchildren and her kids to come and stay with me. She listened and opened her heart to me. She wrote me a beautiful letter where she reminded me of everything I have. She’s right. I’m very lucky, even though I’m going through a divorce.

3. My dog. I left him alone for more than 10 hours, and he didn’t have an accident. I felt like a terrible momma, but he was a champ. We’re going to make it, my dog and me. We really are.

Bonus good thing: My coworker. He wrote me a very nice email letting me know he was thinking of me. I can’t stop thinking of how lucky I am to have people in my corner, rooting for me to heal and come out of this stronger.

Tomorrow’s goals:

1. Start reorganizing my craft room. Yes. I’m a huge papercrafting dork. I love it. I don’t anticipate doing much scrapbooking in the next few months. After all, he and I and our travels were the main subjects of my scrapbooking. So I want to get my room in order so that I can concentrate on making cards and making other pretties. I’m not going to lose my hobby in this ordeal.

I’m going to keep it at that one. I’ve been feeling a bit like a failure for not meeting all of my goals lately. Baby steps, right?

Moments of Peace

Today was the first day since the ordeal that the alarm woke me up. I was still sleepy, so I let myself sleep in. Sleep has been in short supply lately, so I was grateful. During work, I felt long stretches of peace. I’m not delusional enough to think that everyday from here on out is going to feel better and better than today. I know that I’ll take steps forward and steps back. Yesterday I told my therapist that I desperately want to see him soon because I don’t want to wait several weeks and then have to start back at square one once I do see him. She told me that I’ve already started healing and that I won’t be back at square one. I certainly hope so, because I am going to see him tomorrow. It will be brief, it will be at my office, and I have the option of bringing a friend along if I can’t see him alone. I don’t know what I’m expecting. In the escapist romantic comedy in my head, he rushes to me and apologizes and tells me that he regrets everything he’s done and that he wants us to work hard at giving it another go. The reality is that I can already see his face completely void of any emotion, his voice cold as he takes the bag I’m going to hand to him. On the night he asked for the divorce, he told me he wanted me to still be a part of his life, a part of his niece’s and nephew’s lives. But that was before he told me the complete truth for why he wanted the divorce. He was still lying to me at that point. I have to stop putting ideas in my head that there is going to be anything except the man who has been looking me straight in the eye and lying to me for the past 6 months.

Today’s 3 good things:

1. No crying. I went the entire day without breaking down. Yeah, my voice wavered when I talked about him, but I didn’t break down. My part: I’m not sure. Maybe today is just an oddball day.

2. One Direction. Seriously, have you heard that song, What Makes You Beautiful? I’ve heard of this One Direction business before, but I hadn’t paid attention to them (obviously, I’m not their target demographic). But that song is peppy and catchy, and it puts me in a good mood. I bought it and listened to it over and over today. Am I ashamed to use this cheestastic song to keep me upbeat? Not at all. My part: I don’t know. Not taking myself so seriously that I have to listen to grown-up music all the time?

3. Played games with my mom and aunt. I don’t feel like I’ve been interacting with my mom and aunt while they’ve been here, so tonight we played some card games. It was fun! My part: I let myself have fun!

Tomorrow’s goals:

1. Be strong when I see him. Just say hello, ask how he’s doing, and hand him the bag.

2. Get to work early. Have a super productive workday.

I think I’m going to leave it at 2 goals for tomorrow. Seeing him is huge.

I’m finally catching up on TV from last week. Modern Family was one of our shows. The show was hilarious, but it was bittersweet to watch without him. On the second episode, the Dunphys mentioned a couple who didn’t have children and were always traveling. That used to be us. The childless couple who traveled and had no worries. Not so much it turns out.